Updates and bad news....well good and bad...

I'll be adding more art soon just keep watching heehee and yeah things haven't been going so well for me like really not well if you wanna know more read below Anyway just wanted to let you all know i'm not dead ,yet....

To say why we are often feeling down well let’s just say my life (and my sis’s life) is crap, we have bipolar disorderand severe depression (yes we are suffering from a pretty bad depression even our mom she wanted to kill herself too)…And we feel like a failure all the time, were 20 and we have dropped out of school and we don’t have a job and we don’t even go to school cus we can’t push ourselves to do it it’s like if we can’t do anything anymore and this is all because of intimidation at school and some problems at home…

But for you to understand better what I am going trough let me explain my life a bit ok so here goes

5 years ago I was in highschool ( I was 15), me and my sister where good students, we weren’t troublemakers, we were kind and caring but yet we never seemed to make any friends…. every time we would make friends we would lose them …for all sorts of reasons, they got tired of us, they forgot us, or they just didn’t want anything to do with us anymore……nevertheless we never dreamed we would drop out of school, but as time passed we got lonely and lonely and then gradually intimidation started ,it wasn’t normal intimidation heck I think I would have liked that better because I can defend myself physically.

Well, we where at this school where people would ignore us, literally I mean the teacher would say ‘’pass your copy to your neighbour ‘’ and people would pass it over us like if we weren’t there as if we were invisible, they would call us names behind our backs but we where to far to say anything but close enough to hear it all, we always hear what we aren’t supposed to hear….People would laugh at us cus we are twins and I never got why people laugh at that?? And no one would talk to us like if we where a disease. Heck, even the teachers had noticed we had no friend and that people where treating us this way and they did nothing to stop it so we started ditching class… and then the teachers got on our backs…

After 2 years of that kind of bullying we obviously had told our parents but they obviously didn’t take it seriously until we told them we where going to drop out if something didn’t change.

So they got us to change of school and things went well for a while we had lots of friends for the first time and we were kind of popular, but in class we couldn’t follow anymore we had switched from strong classes to week ones so we where doing thing to complicated plus changing of school isn’t the best idea in the middle of a year especially when you don’t pay attention before because of the bullying.

So then we had no choice, we dropped out and lost all our friends… :’( and since then we have been trying to finish our secondary 5 but it’s like if every time we try we think about school again we block….We thought it would be over when we dropped out but it didn’t we’re afraid to go in stores we are so anxious and always afraid someone will point at us or laugh at us(the pointing often happens cus we are twins and we really look alike….)and now we are feeling like real failures and like if are life won’t amount to anything cus we are not advancing! We’re still where we were 5 years ago…

As if that wasn’t enough we have bigger problems

Our brother is autistic but very severe ,to give you an Idea he barely talks and doesn’t go to the bathroom on his own, we have to clean him, yeah not really great to clean a 15 year olds butt when he pisses and shits… it’s kindda like if he was 3 years old in his head but in a 15 year olds body. Don’t get me wrong we love our brother more than anything in the world, he’s a treasure but also a real big trouble maker, if he is left alone he could kill himself, he could run away and get hit by a car, he’s done it before (running away I mean) and nearly made us, our mom and dad die of a heart attack, you don’t know how many time we needed to call the police because he ran away, Thank god by miracle we always managed to find him.. Heck, his school even has a security system just for him… it’s been really hard on us all, my mom doesn’t even sleep at night because he stays up, she now suffers of severe depression she tried to kill herself a few years ago and she cries very often… my mom loves my brother and she doesn’t want to lose him she’s really a super mom she babysits him 24/7 and manages to go to work every day…

When I try to talk to a therapist about it they say to let my parent do all the work it doesn’t concern me like YEAH RIGHT!?!?! AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO LET MY MOM KILL HERSELF!?!?! And PRETEND LIKE I’M NOT THERE WHEN I AM!!! So I help my mom and dad by babysitting my bro cus us and our mom are the only ones that can do it. And my other brother can babysit him a little bit but not long cus he’s to gentle and nice, But you know what really sucks my bro is huge ok he’s just 15 and is already 5’10 and really built and he can be violent at times… so my family knows that someday we will have no choice but to place him in a home! But we don’t want to !!we love him they could hurt him in a home… we don’t know what will happen to him and what if we all died??? What will happen ,what will he do ,who will take care of him?? These things are haunting us and we just can’t take it anymore… feels like the world just wants to hurt us and make things worst all the time!

We try to keep positive but we never have any support from anyone our relatives don’t help, they practically laugh at us….

so many things keep happening in such a short period of time, I thought things where bad then huh? but lately they only seem to get worse, yesterday night we cried ourselves to sleep ,..this morning we woke up with the very huge urge to kill ourselves… things in our lives are really not great… our depression is getting worse and I’m at the point where I don’t wanna go see a doctor cus I don’t wanna be better the only thing I want is to die to end it all… no more seeing my loved ones suffer,no more worrying about my brothers, about being different, I keep kicking and trying and it always gets worse.carma doesn’t exist and neither do happy endings.It’s great in movies but it doesn’t happen for real.

let me give you examples of things that happened to me in the past weeks,

I went to my uncles house and saw my 14 year old cousin who started criticizing me telling me I have less hips than her and too much boobs when she’s flat and fat I mean I rather have big boobs then none! Then she started lecturing me about getting a job when SHE IS FUCKING 14 and I’M 20!!!! and how SHE went to school

And then my aunt thinking I dropped school because I was too stupid when I was in strong classes and I’m 10 times smarter than her girls, I mean like I didn’t drop out cus I didn’t pass, I dropped out because of bullying!!!!! they both insulted me and my sis so much that when I left I cried my eyes out (well me and my sis did) even my mom cried cus she saw how hurt we were and she said “ yeah i know they always think they are better and smarter than everyone..” I mean why do people like that get everything they want but good people like me, my sis and my mom get shit!! I can’t believe in my dreams not anymore…

Also It was my birthday the 25th and just before my birthday I lost my cat Scooby he went outside and never came back,I’m certain that he is dead we have horrible neighbours that poison cats, it isn’t the first time one of our cats has gone missing, so now I know in my heart he’s probably gone for good and I can’t forget him, it hurts so much, he was only 2 years old and I loved him so so much, he was like a dog cat he was always there purring and playing with us and making me feel better when I was sad…plus he and my 2 females had kittens before he left and right before my birthday all his little kittens started dying, one by one suffering and one by one they dropped dead and I had to watch most of em die, I went to the vet they said they had distemper then we tried medication and it didn’t work 2 more died, we had to euthanize the rest.

So bad things keep piling up and I dunno why I just compiled these things in my head yesterday and it really hit me that I would never have a life,I’ll never get a home that I will love (a farm), I will probably loose my pets cus I’m not allowed so many where I live, I’ll never finish school or get a job that I wanted or get kids.

My life just sucks and I’m sick of hell I want to go to heaven, I want to live the dream , I want to stop suffering.

I couldn’t take no more, you probably wouldn’t believe this but I used to be the kind of person that did not care what people thought, I love what I wanted no matter what people would say or no matter the names they would call me and I got so much insults years and years of it ,compiled with super bad luck, my brothers handicap, criticism and comparisons, no friends, only my mom ,dad and brothers (also us me and my sis) and animals to depend on, now I can’t handle it anymore, I just want the pain to stop.I know everyone always says it will get better but it just doesn’t. Not ever..
plus people always seem to forget us...

We try to keep positive but we never have any support from anyone are relatives don’t help, they practically laugh at us….

To summon it up we got news that we couldn’t finish our school this year so even if we wanted to, we can’t. We are always stuck between 4 walls it’s driving us nuts… we feel like we are not living we are just not dying ……… and it really sucks…

not long ago (2 days ago) we desided we wanted to…well maybe it’s best if I don’t get into details anyway our mom tried to stop us and our dad too and they we’re holding us and crying trying to stop us then even my dyphasic brother stopped me from going outside where I wanted to do it….We actually couldn’t believe he did that because he never stopped us from doing anything before he’s like a bit scared to hurt anyone and is naive but he’s the nicest person you’ll ever meet!!and he stopped us and well then we cryed and cryed our dog buddy rolled over us and licked us and our mom wanted to call the hospital but we got away so she ran after us and our parents asked us what they could do and where crying too and we just crashed and my brother came and told me something that really just I couldn’t believe he told me cus he is mentilly a bit younger then his age and he almost never gives his opinion and he said’’I know you think everything will be better for you if you go but it won’t be better for me because I love you so much and I need you’’ it hit me like a truck my parents where gonna call the hospital again but we told them not too and then wanted us to get in the car to go there but we didn’t want to go were fucking sick of hospitals and doctors that always think you’re exagarating or you should be locked up or you should be on more medication that clearly don’t work….

Eventually we went back inside and our mom and dad hugged us long and told us they wanted to help us they were crying I’ve honestly never felt so horrible….my mom told me to give my life another chance she said if it doesn’t get better in 2 years well….. she said she promised we would get everything we want I know she can’t really promis that but it felt good….then she told us to give our life just one more try and we desided that we will try i’m not saying were cured and we won’t have black moments anymore or that we won’t commit suicide but for now atleast, it’s over were out of the black moment …..I really hope things do get better…..and then my dad stayed home and didn’t go to work because he was too shocked and my mom told me to get in the car and we went to get an icecream cone and went on this path that was in the wood were almost no one goes, us our parents and two brothers where lead to a river , we could stand in and step in the waves and there was no one there cus it’s kind of a dangerous path and it was realy great and cheered us up alot then we went back home and ate fish cus we love fish and then we watched tangled and it was really great…

But to add to that my dads cousin is dying and she is only 55 she has generalize cancer and I knew her she was great! and super nice!